In this life, we don’t choose our struggles. During the first 3 years of infertility that we encountered, there were times when I would feel the hopelessness weighing down on me. And, honestly, I would sometimes find my heart asking that little 3-letter word that seemed so forbidden.
Why us? And why now? And why does it have to take so long? Why, God? Why the pain and why the heartache?
Jesus promised us, “In this world, you will have trouble.” As Christians, it is easy for us to decide in our hearts the type of trouble we are ready to come up against. During those times when the battle between my ‘why’ and my faith raged within me, I often wondered why we had to be living this trouble. Why couldn’t we have had another? Why did it have to be the very thing that we had been waiting for, praying for, dreaming of for years? Why did God choose for us to walk through this trouble when it seemed as though He had given us everything we needed to be parents….except for children?
I truly believe that there will be a day when I hold our sweet baby in my arms, gaze at their beautiful face, and I will be able to say, “this was why.”
Because God’s story is so much better than ours. His story is more adventurous, more passionate, more thrilling. It is deeper, truer and richer than what we could ever come up with.
And His story is always about redemption.
In order for there to be redemption, there must be heartache. There must be a tearing, a loss, a death. There must be separation and pain. When you are living through that pain, it feels like a nightmare. But, amazingly, the very nature of who God is doesn’t leave us in that nightmare.
You see, the difference between a nightmare and redemption is hope.
At the lowest moments in our journey, hope has been our anchor. Not a cheap, flaky, “I hope you feel better!” kind of hope; a raw, real, dirty hope that has been through the nastiest storms and comes out the other side in one piece. This anchor of hope has been what kept us from living a nightmare. Instead, we get to live a redemption story.
Where did that redemption come in?
Approximately 48 hours after Arundel and I sobbed our eyes out in misery at the dire news from our doctor. That was when my heart had turned. Do you ever just bawl and bawl your eyes out until it feels like something is out of your system? That’s what happened. Don’t get me wrong, the news still took a while to process emotionally and really wrap our heads around. But, the initial shock was wiped away with the buckets of tears, and I woke up 2 days later with hope in my heart, because I knew that the next step would be such a beautiful one.
I knew our next step was adoption.
It was as if someone had opened a door in my heart that I never knew was there. When that door opened, it was flung wide to reveal a place that was empty all this time and I never even knew it. God showed me that He had placed in my heart room for adoption. I hadn’t seen it before, but it was there. I am forever thankful that Jesus allowed me to immediately see how adoption was for us. I know that for most people, it is not an easy transition and not something that everyone can accept. I am in awe of the way that God prepares our hearts without us knowing it, and all while we are complaining that He isn’t doing anything about our pain.
He really is a good Father.
I didn’t have to go away and convince myself that I could love a child I didn’t carry. I didn’t have to search within myself for the guts to do it or for the courage to be vulnerable with our need. It was there, because God put it there from the very beginning. He knew we would be here. He knew I would need it. He knew that door in my heart would be opened, and He had already given me what I needed to be a Mother. I was just looking in the wrong place.